There and back again…

This is how I waste time when the power is out. I am sitting here surrounded by candles listening to Dashboard Confessional and writing this lame blog. I have wanted to write for a while but time gets away. Now I have a lot of free time. So here goes. The last few weeks have been a time of trials, anger, sadness, and fear with a few moments of sunshine mixed in.
I had finally come to a place in life where I was starting to feel a sense of normalcy. I found some friendships that were starting blossom. It felt good and I think I smiled a lot and really meant it. I felt like all of the work I have been putting into letting people see me was starting to be worth it.
A couple of weeks ago things changed. A decision was made that affected a lot of people in a lot of different ways. In all of the chaos it left me with a heavy heart for some friends and some major decisions to make. I could stay where I was a place that felt like home. But most of the people that made it feel like home are gone. I could just quit and give up on the whole thing. Or I could move on and find somewhere new. So far the last choice has felt like the right one. The thing is I am really good at making people think I am strong and fearless. But inside I am terrified of losing people that have been in my life for 11 years or only a few months. That has always been a pattern in my life. I meet people, build a relationship, and they eventually disappear from my life. I am usually ok with it and move on. But this time I don’t want to move on and start over. I want to continue with the people that are there now. I don’t want to be that disposable friend anymore. So as I this season in my life comes to a close and a new one begins I hope it is a season of hope and a season of many good memories with people who have come to feel like family. I hope my heart is right and my head is wrong.