This picture is a perfect example of what my life is feeling like lately. Piece by piece things are changing and falling apart. It is pretty overwhelming too. I can handle a little at a time but the last month or so has been like I am going down Niagra Falls and I can’t go anywhere so the water keeps pounding. Except in life I can’t seem to run away from problems anymore. I could I am just trying really hard not to. I am fighting not to put the walls up I have been working so hard to break down. That would be the easy thing. Pushing people away to keep from getting hurt would also be thee easy thing. But the thing is nothing is ever going to be easy. In the last month I said goodbye to the place I called my church for 11 years. What I really wanted to do was give up on it all. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it. Then I had to come to terms with the fact that in less than a month I will be saying goodbye to a family that has been a part of my life for 11 years as well. I feel like when Harry lost Dumbledore or when Frodo lost Gandalf. That pain that you can’t really put into words. What my head is telling me to do is to distance myself now to save a little pain later. But my heart says take every moment I have left to love on them. On top of all of that I have a sister that is determined to kill herself and I suck at being a friend. I know people say we are meant to do life together. Sometimes I think I am an exception to that rule. Either way if I seem distracted or distant that is because my mind is in a million different places and I feel like the guy in the picture at the top. There is a constant battle to do what is right and to not go back to what I was or what I really want to do but to move on and grow and not give up. I know this was a lot and deep. I apologize for the ranting and my excessive use of analogies.
maria helbling duran said,
June 13, 2011 @ 1:17 am
Hey Shannon, I love your honesty! Sometimes life is just so hard and I think that being honest about it is one of the main way to get through it. I don’t know why you are leaving your church…But I KNOW God has something awesome in store for the next season of you life. He knew about this change way before you did and what comes as a surprise or hard to us doesn’t phase him. I was raised in this small Baptist church for the first 13 years of my life. Those people were all I knew and were as close to family as you could get without being from the same bloodline. One day my parents said we’re not going back. Hello!? My world hit bottom and we refer to those times as my “dark years”. But then we started going to WRC (which I’m pretty certain is where you are leaving). I would never have made the decision to bring myself to the next level, but God knew I needed it. Fast forward to when I was 21 and I made the decision on my own to part ways with WRC and look for something more. It took me awhile but I found it. Again and again God has taken me to the next level, though it hasn’t always looked like what I thought it would when I set out for it. Girl, be brave! God knows what you need! Trust him to do in you what He says He can.
As for you sister, just love her. The fact that you even love her enough to blog about it means you are not a sucky friend. I have found that when all our attempts to save our loved ones fail, just loving them is enough. Again, be brave! You are a diamond being formed by the pressures of life on this side of heaven. I’ll be praying for you. And if you need anything, message me on facebook!