A just cause is not ruined by a few mistakes

Withering like roses……

shannonfritz — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 04:16:25 +0000

“Say that I’m still glorious
Say that I’m not withering like roses

Hey, I’m still glorious
While I’m withering like roses in the fall “

I did ok at this blog thing last year until around the middle of the year. I think that is pretty good for me. As classes began and time got more and more hard to find I didn’t come back to writing on here. I have about 50 other things I could be doing right now but I thought I would take a few moments to record what has been shaking in this season lately. A week consists of 30 to 40 hours of work, 3 classes, and time at a 150 hour internship, and in the middle living life. I am super thankful to be doing my internship at SafeHouse Outreach in Atlanta. I am loving every minute I spend there. It is funny because it challenges me in so so many ways. I have to put myself out there a lot more than I am comfortable with. I find myself constantly pushing myself to do better. I am meeting some awesome people and I feel like I belong there. I have a person and I feel like I can be myself. I went on a much needed trip to see the Cole family in Kansas City. I love that family like mad. I even love how they are not afraid to ask the hard questions. I think this is a season of learning. I want to learn as much as I can from every situation I am in. I was at SHO again this morning and spent much of the day there. A big challenge for me is to not hide or be invisible. I am good at that but that doesn’t work here. I have learned how frisky homeless men are. I am not sure how to feel about that. I am sure they do it with every female that comes through. I gave someone a tent and had no idea that is would send the wrong signal. I am me and nothing about me is special. I just wanted to give the dude a place to sleep. So cheers to a season of challenge, learning, and craziness.

Lessons learned…

shannonfritz — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:53:35 +0000

As things change even more sometimes I get a glance of things I should probably be learning and growing from in all of this. I am an introvert always have been. This started to change about a year or so ago. I started coming out of my shell and letting people see more of me. I think I have always relied on myself as well. I don’t need anyone else to help me. That was changing too. I think it changed to much. I think a lesson I am learning is that I was relying too much on people. I put too much of myself out and it didn’t work for me. I think I am supposed to see how I need to rely on God. I try relying on myself but that fails every time. I tried relying on people and that was no good. So I think I need to learn how to rely on God. That is easier said than done.

The search goes on and on and on…

shannonfritz — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 02:17:04 +0000

And it seems like it will keep going for a while. I was not going to do this but it seems like it might be neat to lay it all out and do it with honesty. Since leaving a church that I spent so many years investing in I have been on a search to find a new place to call home. It has been a fun yet hard process. I am not going to name any of the churches but I will call them something different. Then I will try giving an honest opinion of how I felt about them. So we start at the beginning….

Church A- Instead of taking a Sunday off to process what happened I jumped right into visiting new places. As it turns out this one was just like the old one. Usually I will go to a place 2 times but this one I knew it was not right from the beginning.

Church B- I actually went to this one maybe 3 times. At first I felt obligated to like it because everyone else did. But I never felt comfortable there. I liked the worship setup. You could not see the band. It was cool how they have worship but the band is not a focus.

Church C- This church was another one time needed deal. I like it and new people there but it wasn’t right for me either. I was glad I asked questions.

Church D- This one was the best so far. It was a little but of a drive but that was worth it. I knew people there. I like that people remembered my name. I know that sounds silly. They do stuff in english and spanish. That was cool

Church E- This one I went to once. After going only once they send me letters asking for money. I have not been back.

This Sunday will bring church F. Not sure where that will be exactly. I do know I really want find something soon. Each Sunday is harder and harder to make myself go somewhere.

Piece by piece…

shannonfritz — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 00:36:44 +0000

This picture is a perfect example of what my life is feeling like lately. Piece by piece things are changing and falling apart. It is pretty overwhelming too. I can handle a little at a time but the last month or so has been like I am going down Niagra Falls and I can’t go anywhere so the water keeps pounding. Except in life I can’t seem to run away from problems anymore. I could I am just trying really hard not to. I am fighting not to put the walls up I have been working so hard to break down. That would be the easy thing. Pushing people away to keep from getting hurt would also be thee easy thing. But the thing is nothing is ever going to be easy. In the last month I said goodbye to the place I called my church for 11 years. What I really wanted to do was give up on it all. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it. Then I had to come to terms with the fact that in less than a month I will be saying goodbye to a family that has been a part of my life for 11 years as well. I feel like when Harry lost Dumbledore or when Frodo lost Gandalf. That pain that you can’t really put into words. What my head is telling me to do is to distance myself now to save a little pain later. But my heart says take every moment I have left to love on them. On top of all of that I have a sister that is determined to kill herself and I suck at being a friend. I know people say we are meant to do life together. Sometimes I think I am an exception to that rule. Either way if I seem distracted or distant that is because my mind is in a million different places and I feel like the guy in the picture at the top. There is a constant battle to do what is right and to not go back to what I was or what I really want to do but to move on and grow and not give up. I know this was a lot and deep. I apologize for the ranting and my excessive use of analogies.

Words I should probably never say….

shannonfritz — Fri, 27 May 2011 02:35:51 +0000

This is how I waste time when the power is out. I am sitting here surrounded by candles listening to Dashboard Confessional and writing this lame blog. I have wanted to write for a while but time gets away. Now I have a lot of free time. So here goes. The last few weeks have been a time of trials, anger, sadness, and fear with a few moments of sunshine mixed in.
I had finally come to a place in life where I was starting to feel a sense of normalcy. I found some friendships that were starting blossom. It felt good and I think I smiled a lot and really meant it. I felt like all of the work I have been putting into letting people see me was starting to be worth it.
A couple of weeks ago things changed. A decision was made that affected a lot of people in a lot of different ways. In all of the chaos it left me with a heavy heart for some friends and some major decisions to make. I could stay where I was a place that felt like home. But most of the people that made it feel like home are gone. I could just quit and give up on the whole thing. Or I could move on and find somewhere new. So far the last choice has felt like the right one. The thing is I am really good at making people think I am strong and fearless. But inside I am terrified of losing people that have been in my life for 11 years or only a few months. That has always been a pattern in my life. I meet people, build a relationship, and they eventually disappear from my life. I am usually ok with it and move on. But this time I don’t want to move on and start over. I want to continue with the people that are there now. I don’t want to be that disposable friend anymore. So as I this season in my life comes to a close and a new one begins I hope it is a season of hope and a season of many good memories with people who have come to feel like family. I hope my heart is right and my head is wrong.

I shock myself sometimes….

shannonfritz — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 02:41:37 +0000

Like today and many days lately. Being a female I have always had a tendency to shy away from the girly stuff. I was never a girl who dreamed of a prince who would take me away on a white horse for happily ever after. Even as I go older I was always comfortable being single and always shrugged at the idea of marriage. Only now it was because I see so many failed marriages and so much adultery. It scares me. Lately though I have noticed that when I see a man at the store buying flowers I get a feeling of something that is hard to describe. The same is true when a coworker receives flowers at work. I get a tiny pang of sadness that I am 28 and single. I guess lately it is starting to bother me. I think my heart is finally wanting those girly things. I still don’t want a prince I just want something that I can’t out my finger on. A piece of my heart that is being saved for someone. I know girls that have lists. I don’t want some guy to fill a list in my head. I want him to fill that space in my heart God has been saving for him. I don’t expect a fairy tale and I have been told I am shorting myself for expecting less. I don’t even want the stinkin’ flowers although they would be pretty cool I imagine and I am sure they can make a lady feel special. I want the emotion behind the flowers. I have no lists maybe expectations but not list. This is what is shocking me lately. I think the more I learn about myself the more these things are surfacing. The thought of marriage and relationships is one of the scariest things to me. Yet I know it is is something my heart is softening to more and more. So I do surprisingly shock myself sometimes.

Commitment to myself…

shannonfritz — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 03:30:45 +0000

This blog is one of the many proofs that I stink at certain kinds of communication. I am a sucker for using social media for communication. I think it feels safe. It takes away the barrier of leaving things unsaid. I like the easiness of using Twitter or Facebook to hide behind. So all of this to say…I am committing to myself to have more personal face to face conversations. I want to be able to communicate as easily with people in person as I do in other places.

My list so far….

shannonfritz — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 03:53:23 +0000

I hope to mark off as many of these things as possible this Spring. Spring to me is a time of doing new things and seeing how much adventure I can have. I guess that is the kid in me. So here is my list so far…I plan on adding to it as I get inspiration or crazy ideas..

Pick peaches in a real peach orchard
Dance in a field of sunflowers
Hike somewhere new
Go camping
Invest more time in my middle schoolers
Go fishing more
Take Gabby on more walks
Find some good woods and RUMPUS!!
Drive around country roads with the windows down, music loud, and no destination in mind
Find and old barn to take pictures and play in
Attend as many Civil War events as possible

Please hear what I am not saying…

shannonfritz — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 03:50:45 +0000

I found this poem when researching for a talk on Sunday. So these words are not mine but they meant a lot to me.

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

masks that I’m afraid to take off,

and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,

but don’t be fooled,

for God’s sake don’t be fooled.

I give you the impression that I’m secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

as without,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water’s calm and I’m in command

and that I need no one,

but don’t believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

ever-varying and ever-concealing.

Beneath lies no complacence.

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

to help me pretend,

to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,

and I know it.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,

if it’s followed by love.

It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,

from my own self-built prison walls,

from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

It’s the only thing that will assure me

of what I can’t assure myself,

that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.

I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

will not be followed by love.

I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,

that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing

and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

with a facade of assurance without

and a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that’s really nothing,

and nothing of what’s everything,

of what’s crying within me.

So when I’m going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I’m saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,

what I’d like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say,

but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.

I don’t like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you’ve got to help me.

You’ve got to hold out your hand

even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes

the blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

each time you try to understand because you really care,

my heart begins to grow wings–

very small wings,

very feeble wings,

but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling

you can breathe life into me.

I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me,

how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator–

of the person that is me

if you choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

you alone can remove my mask,

you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

from my lonely prison,

if you choose to.

Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me

the blinder I may strike back.

It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man

often I am irrational.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls

with firm hands but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

For I am every man you meet

and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn

September 1966

Things unseen..

shannonfritz — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 02:06:31 +0000

I had planned to write about my trip to Charleston but never found time so this is a combination. I will start by a fun story. I mom at work who never talks to us and her high school senior very small southern baptist christian school attending daughter is just not nice. So I am scheduling for the mom who leaves gospel tracts in the bathroom asks me if I live in Douglasville because they have seen me shopping there. I of course say no but I live close to it. So we finish scheduling and she pulls out the tracts. I am thinking she is headed to the bathroom. But no she hands one to me and says if you live close and need to go to church…I cut her off saying I go to a church already and am involved and happy there. She looks at me and says “well I saw your tattoos and assumed…well maybe you know someone who needs it..” There are so many things I wanted to say but didn’t. It just makes me sad that people still judge based on our “cover”. If people judge so much based on our cover man its good they can’t see what is inside. They would really think I am a heathen. The picture is perfect for it. A book with hidden letters. You look at the book and see a torn cover and think there is a captivating story inside. You open it up and find letters and pieces of someones story hidden inside. Or they read the title and see the age and disregard it as not interesting or damaged. I think we often do this in our relationships with people both friends and strangers. We see a cover and assume by what we see that there is either this really great person who has it all together or we see a person that looks different from our view of perfection and write them off as damaged or worthless. Just like a book there are things hidden inside people. We have parts of our heart carved out to store special letters or memories and yet people can judge so harshly that like the book that may never be opened the person may never be open. The beautiful things the amazing story hidden inside get put back on a shelf to collect dust and wait hoping that someone will see that even a worn cover and torn pages are worth reading. So yes I have tattoos yes my cover isn’t perfect. That cover is a part of the story that is inside. But instead of reading the words on me skin she saw a bunch of ink. From that she assumed that the pages inside were ripped when if she would have taken a moment she would have seen the hollowed out part where my true story is hidden. That turned out a lot longer and a lot deeper than I had planned. So I think I will save Charleston for later.